Unaccustomed as I am to the world of blogging I am just to get going.
I have depression and anxiety!
There, I said it. It’s not a big deal but somewhere along the line this has worked it’s way in to my head and I have crumbled. I’m not entirely sure what has started this feeling but at the beginning of October last year I started to feel that something wasn’t quite right with me. Ordinarily I am pretty chilled out and I tend to take most things as they come without it affecting me……..or so I thought.
A visit to the doctor confirmed that I was suffering from mild depression and I began to take medication for it. I know this might not be everyone’s choice of treatment but for me this is the route I choose to take and I have no regrets.
Things didn’t seem to settle down and progressively seemed to be getting worse so I returned to my doctor and asked for more help. It was agreed to change my medication and I was signed off work for 4 weeks to allow me to adjust to the new tablets. The first couple of weeks wasn’t particularly easy due to the effects of one medication wearing off and the other one starting to work but this eased and my mood stabilised. However, my nerves and anxiety were also shot to pieces and this was showing itself in the form of panic attacks. Unless you have ever had one of these the only way I can describe them is that they are truly terrifying. A complete out of body experience, I felt numb, tingly, shaky and scared all at once. Combine those feelings with being unable to concentrate on a simple task such as breathing and this makes for a completely unpleasant time.
Fast forward a few weeks and things had settled down. I had been going out and enjoying my love of photography again, I had got myself back out running 3 times a week and things were looking positive. A chat with the mental health team confirmed I could return to work on reduced hours and I felt good about things for the first time in a very long time. However, there was (and still is) one niggling little issue that kept rearing it’s little head………anxiety!
Each morning is being spent trying to calm myself down and make myself leave the house for work. Occasionally this would result in those feelings of panic returning but with my new found skills I calmed this down and went to work for a couple of hours.
However, this new found happiness was not to last too long and on Wednesday 11th January 2017 I hit my lowest point. It started with a mild panic attack and me lying in bed wanting it all to stop. There was no warning, no trigger just a thought. I went downstairs to the kitchen and the thought I had was that I just wanted to take all my tablets and go back to bed.I struggled on and went to work but something clicked in me and had the rest of the panic attack that started that morning. Making the decision to go home I phoned the doctor and made an appointment for that afternoon. The appointment led me to confess my thoughts that morning and I have been given an urgent referral to the team at the hospital.
There was never any question of me acting on this thought but the fact I had even considered it frightened the life out of me.