Today has been one of those days where it’s hard to feel motivated. It’s been pouring down with rain and I’ve been unable to get out for very long. I eventually managed to get out and go in to town with the intention of buying something to eat for my lunch and ended up buying a map of the island I live on which shows up all the paths / bridleways and such like. I can imagine you all reading this and thinking “That’s not quite the same” and you’d be right. The intention though is that when I do go out for a walk I might actually have some idea of where I’m going as opposed to my usual style of seeing where the paths take me.
If only this were the same for life.
Those of you who read this and any of my other postings will know that I suffer from depression and anxiety. This had led me to realise that throughout my life I often over think things and worry too much about even the slightest little matter. I don’t make any grand plans as I am afraid that when they come round I won’t want to do anything and I’ll let everyone down. I don’t commit to nights out with friends as I don’t want to risk having a massive panic attack in front of people and then get embarrassed when I see them next. This in itself is then unhelpful as I begin to wonder what people think of me and the cycle of anxiety starts all over again. But should I really care?
As I am near to reaching that age where life is supposed to begin (yeah I’ll be 40 in a little over a week but it’s just a number right?) I am beginning to wonder whether I should be worried about other people’s thoughts of me. I feel I have reached that part of my life where I no longer actually care about how I am seen by the outside world. What I have discovered in the weeks I have been off work is that the things I value most are my family, my close friends and making memories. These are the things I can have some of control over and the things I will be doing my best to focus on in future. What other people think of me is out of my control and hopefully by remembering that I can then concentrate on the good bits. Easier said than done but I intend to make the most of life when it begins again.
Oh……….for those of you who have made it to the end of this little wandering through my mind I did actually manage to get some lunch 🙂