Today, for the first time in quite a while has been a good day.
Now, I’m not going to pretend to myself that everything is better but I have felt the calmest I have been in a couple of months. This I suspect is largely due to my deciding to start living each day as it comes and not planning anything major in particular. If I plan, I worry. If I don’t plan, I don’t worry. Or that’s my theory anyway and I’m going to stick with that. Sometimes I have to plan things such as doctor’s appointments and I can deal with that but other things like arranging to meet friends etc.. are still a bit of a sticky point so I leave that until I wake up and see how things are going.
Today, my wife and I decided to go out for a drive to somewhere fairly isolated on the island, have a cup of tea and some lunch, then go out for a bit of a wander and take some photographs. Both of us are keen photographers (I still have no idea what the buttons on my camera actually do) and since my anxiety kicked off again I have used this past-time as a way of making myself leave the house and see the world, or at least the countryside nearby. Firstly we went to a cafe which sits at the end of an old railway line and talked. Yes, talked. This was important for us both as it gave us a chance to actually digest what has happened to me this last few months and talk about it. My wife also suffers badly from depression so although we do talk, sometimes it’s hard to pick a moment as no-one wants to upset the other person. We discussed both my illness and what I am hoping to do about it going forward. It was just nice to be able to have an adult conversation as opposed to communicating in soundbites while a TV programme is on. I was also able to see how my wife feels about things and how my illness has affected her. Ultimately it brought us closer together and gave us a greater understanding of each others needs and how we can help each other in times like this.
Then it was off to the bay for a photo session. I went across the beach one way as I knew there was a little cave at the bottom of the cliffs that just lurked around the point. Unfortunately the tide was on the turn and I didn’t make it all the way around but at least I was able to see where it was and consider a return visit when the tide was more favourable. Walking back along the stones I got some fantastic pictures of surfers and some great (well, I think they are) atmospheric shots of the sea and rock formations. I found my wife around the other side of the beach and we compared shots. Surprisingly, some of her pictures were similar in composition to mine and she had some great photos. It would appear when we go out taking photos that are more in tune with each other than we already are.
Anyways, without rambling much more about what has been a good day I guess what I’m trying to get across is that each day is different and today brought me out of my comfort zone of the house (my shell) and into somewhere new. In a little over a day I reach that milestone birthday of being 40 yrs old which is apparently the stage at which life begins. I always used to have a little chuckle to myself and roll my eyes when people said “live for today” as I always had a vision of one of those motivational posters with a cheesy sunset, mountain view or something like that. However, it is true. My new found love of relaxation is beginning to help me live for the ‘now’ and concentrate on all that is good in my life.
In a funny sort of way I have my depression and anxiety to thank for that…….