• What if this is who I really am?
  • What if being 40yrs old isn’t when life begins?
  • What if I can’t eat my breakfast?
  • What if I leave the house and then forget what I’m doing?
  • What if I don’t leave the house?
  • What if I can’t get out of bed today?
  • What if I have no money?
  • What if I can’t go back to the job I love?
  • What if the mental health team need to see me regularly?
  • What if the doctor doesn’t believe me?
  • What if my hearing aid batteries run out when I’m talking to someone?
  • What if I need to change my medication again?
  • What if we can’t afford our own home?
  • What if my daughter doesn’t like the high school she has chosen?
  • What if I don’t like the high school she’s chosen?
  • What if someone from work sees me in town?
  • What if I forget to write down what I need in town and forget everything?
  • What if I panic when I’m in the shops?
  • What if someone talks to me?
  • What if nobody talks to me?
  • What if the queue in the post office is too long and I need to post a parcel?
  • What if there isn’t enough bread for me to have toast tomorrow?
  • What if I can’t breathe when I panic?
  • What if a stranger looks at me in ‘that’ way?
  • What if I say hello to someone and they don’t reply?
  • What if I’ve upset them?
  • What if they don’t have my normal bread in Morrisons?
  • What if I’m too scared to go out?
  • What if someone laughs at me when I’m out running?

All of the above are just a snapshot of the thoughts that come to mind when I have to do something. Anything.
It doesn’t even have to be related to what I have to do that day but there is usually a whole raft of questions that come in to my head and begin to nibble away at the rational part of my brain. Once I have opened one question it then leads my train of thought down a route I don’t want it to. This train of thought is often irrational, usually leading me to panic but generally something I try to push away. I must say that in my 40yrs on this earth I have never really looked in to mind as deeply as I have this last 6 months. This has led me to answer some quite uncomfortable questions about myself which I never thought I would ask. One of the answers I have found is that I have always been like this and I must have made a conscious decision at some point in my life to be chilled out as a front to it all so that I had someone else to worry about instead of myself. This in itself has resulted in me needing hospital treatment and time off work so I can get to grips with this new-found revelation. What started off as depression then led me into the realms of anxiety and the two combined together are not a nice place to be. It makes you question everything you do and know. It makes you scared to trust yourself and it makes you doubt you can ever get better. But (and this is the crux of it all) I will get better. It won’t be quick but it will happen.
My depression is currently on the back burner and managed by medication, which I know is not everyone’s cup of tea but for me it is my choice of treatment and it’s working. My anxiety is giving me good and bad days but now it feels like the good days are getting more common than the bad.

So, what if life has begun for me at 40? What if I’ve been given a second chance to be myself? What if I just grab it by the scruff of the neck and just run with it?

I can’t promise myself an easy ride but I reckon there’s going to be some interesting moments along the way.

Enough of my waffle, I have to get on. What if I end up missing the next episode of ‘Tattoo Fixers’? OK, I know that’s not a real problem, but in my head it could be………….

Advertisements