When someone asks you how feel what do you actually say?
This is a question that has constantly arisen since my diagnosis and I have thought long and hard about it. In all honesty my answer is ‘nothing’. I don’t feel cheated. I don’t feel hurt. I don’t feel angry. I just feel……nothing
I don’t mean this in a bad way but I certainly don’t mean it in a good way either. My heart says that I am unwell and that I need care and attention. It tells me to slow down and listen to what others have been telling me for years. My head then tells me that I’m fine and there’s nothing to worry about.
This is the part of me that seems to have been overruling everything and it is in constant conflict with my heart. It is also the part of me that have been making me smile through it all even though I just want to sit down and shut down.
I have learned in the last few months to listen less to my head and more to my heart. This has resulted in me having more good days than I have had in a while. It also means that when I am having a bad day it is alright to admit defeat and move on. These usually coincide with the days when I have been asked how I feel and my answer is nothing. I don’t mean to come across as detached on those days but it often feels like it’s the only way I can get through the day without having some sort of breakdown or feeling of panic. My face may come across as showing warmth but if you look closely at my eyes they will be highlighting the fear behind the smile. I know it won’t last for ever but on those days it feels like it will.
I’m working on keeping my heart and my head healthy and I can say that right now it’s a work in progress. I’ve an appointment coming up next week with my local mental health team and I intend to let my heart do the talking so I can ensure my head gets the help it needs. Then it’s a trip to the doctor in the following week to see if I’m fit to be released back in to the workplace again.
I hope so but it depends what my head says on that day…………………………..