After the hell that was last week I have now made more of a conscious effort to be more positive in my thinking. And if I’m being honest it’s quite refreshing. I am still signed off work so I have another 3 weeks of putting this into practice so that I can prepare myself ready for when I go back to the working world.
I’ve had the odd bad day but in the whole I have started enjoying the days ahead of me. This is in part due to my new morning routine where I wake up and say out loud “Today will be a good day, I’m going to get better”. Now, I don’t know if this makes any difference whatsoever to my day but it appears to be putting me at an advantage and makes me think about things I’d like to do. This has been anything from going for a walk up to my local castle and snapping away with my camera to just sitting by the old mill-pond in the town and watching the world go by. I love doing this as it gives me a chance to just stop for a while and actually take in the amazing place I live in. Today I was watching a moorhen trying to get in first to some bread being thrown by a young mum and her little boy while overhead a gang of seagulls were circling in the hope they could crash the party. Yesterday I was on a walk and I saw a lesser spotted woodpecker and a robin just casually getting on with their days and the day before that I was just reading (something I don’t EVER do as I get bored easily) a book on my iPad.
The downside to this is that on my bad days I have begun to feel like I have failed and have to go back to the beginning again. However, after my little wobble yesterday this is no longer going to be the case. Yesterday I was due to go with my wife to her nanny’s funeral on the big island. This was important for me as it was a chance to prove to myself I am getting better and, more importantly, I would be able to support my wife through a difficult day. I got up and had some breakfast, went downstairs and chilled out for a bit as our ferry wasn’t until 7.15am. I decided to then go upstairs and get my suit on before waiting downstairs for my wife. All very well until we were due to leave and my hands started shaking uncontrollably and my mouth went dry. Panic was coming. My wife spotted this and I started breathing slowly to try to stop it going full-blown. She then told me to stay at home for the day, put my headphones in to my iPad and listen to my relaxation apps. This was crushing me inside but I agreed. She made it to the ferry in time and text me to say she loved me and was proud of me. How could she be proud though when I left her to go on her own?
The answer to this was that I got up. I ate breakfast. I got in to my suit. 3 big steps for a person like me. I then recognized I was feeling wrong and started to put in to practice my techniques for calming me down. Another big step. In the end her day was as good as it could be in the circumstances and when she returned to the small island later that evening she told me again how much she loved me and how much she was proud of me. My wife has her own personal demons to deal with every day but she is truly an amazing woman.
In addition to this I have taken my camera out again, finished one of the hardest pieces of colouring in I have had so far and tried 2 different kinds of herbal tea (not exactly a positive but in my eyes it is as I used to be a ‘proper’ tea drinker) and found they taste amazing. I also have what will end up being a permanent reminder of my darkest days from last week once the scars on my forearm heal properly and for this I am strangely grateful. It will remind me that every day is a new day and no matter what I go through, if I keep facing the sun I will not see any shadows.
So, a very big, warm thank you to each and every one of you who follow / read my ramblings and I wish you all good health. In the words of Yazz and the Plastic Population (arguably one of the best music acts of 1988 – yes I am that old!)…………..The Only Way is Up 🙂