In the last couple of weeks I have gone to rock bottom and begun clawing my way back up to the land of hope (not necessarily glory as well but it’s a good start) and this is, in part, due to my new morning mantra. It’s not really the most profound of statements but for me it has helped to get me in a frame of mind in the morning to tackle the day ahead of me.
Each day is a combination at the moment of a little walk, a little bit of colouring in and a bit of reading and it is going really well for me. In the evening I turn on my iPad and listen to relaxation apps to help me sleep properly. It’s all little steps but I’m feeling like I’m finally heading in the right direction now.
My wife is currently on the big island with her best friend enjoying a spa break as a way of celebrating them both being 40. It is also a well deserved break for my wife who has had a lot to deal with in the last couple of months, what with my mental state and all that goes with it. Because of this it is just me and my daughter in the house until Sunday. Last night we spent the evening making popcorn and watching the Disney animated masterpiece that is Beauty and the Beast in 3D. We even drizzled melted chocolate over the popcorn just because we could and there was no-one to tell us off for it. A proper daddy and daughter night in.
Today however I did something different. Not completely out of the ordinary but different. It began the same way, with me telling myself my little mantra. Then it was breakfast, medication and little bit of colouring in. Afterwards is where the day deviated from the norm. I made a snap decision to take my daughter to a local ‘theme’ park for a few hours. A snap decision when I have anxiety?
Am I crazy?
We even went on the bus too.
Full of people?
With no means of escape until your stop?
It’s only a 20 minute journey but having stayed close to home lately it was a bit of a test for me, one which I passed. Arriving at the park we showed our passes and walked on in. It’s quite a busy place but I began to quickly feel quite comfortable. We wandered about for a bit and my daughter went on a few rides. We mooched about and went down in to the main ‘arena’ which is a great big field with its main attraction being a toboggan run down the side of the hill. I can honestly say I haven’t been on this since I was a child (a long time ago now I am 40) but something today told me I should go on it. Anxiety went out the window and I just thought I would enjoy it. And I did. The staff member at the start asked my daughter if we’d been on before and my daughter instantly said she had and off she went on her own leaving me to be told how to use a brake. This, I thought would be quite useful for allowing me to get used to the speed of it. How wrong I was. After getting dragged up to the top of the hill on a wire it let me go at the top where a sign told me to slow down. Quickly followed by a corner and another sign to slow down. In the whole run I used the brake 3 times and only then just to take the edge off 2 huge corners and then to stop at the bottom. It was that much fun that we went straight on it again for another run.
This led to me think quite philosophically. Not something I usually do but I am known to be sensible at times. The thought was quite simple. Finish using the brake in my life as a way of stopping me from doing things and let myself gain a bit of speed and begin to enjoy my life again. It is a simple thought but it is something I hope to add to my daily mantra in the morning.
From tomorrow, the brakes are off and I am freewheeling. Here we go. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………………………………………..