As I sit down to write this evening I have come to a realisation.

I am tired.

Not tired in a mentally drained way, but tired in a physical way.

Today has been the first day in the last couple of months where I have actually wanted to go out and do things. Not work, shopping or walking around but going to places full of people having fun. People having fun without a care in the world. I thought to myself this morning that I want some of that so I went out in the hope of finding some fun. I had got up at my usual time and gone through my routine of chamomile, colouring and music and then my daughter appeared with a spring in her step. Quizzing me on the day ahead I answered her with a ‘..let’s see where we end up…’ kind of answer.

Leaving the house with a rough idea of where we’d end up we set out on the first part of our journey. The bus journey was quite straight forward and didn’t have its usual anxiousness (I’m pretty sure that is a word???) and we got to our first stop on time. We didn’t stay long however as we soon discovered that the ‘theme park’ we were at was beginning to feel a little too childish for my 11yr old mini teenager. After a few more goes on the water slides confirmed our taste for adventure (or something a bit more exciting than halls of mirrors and robotic dinosaurs) and we left in search of fun.

A stop in the nearby town for sausage rolls and crisps then led us on to another bus to head toward the beach and the 2p arcade machines. The fun-o-meter was rising but still not high enough and after frittering away a couple of pounds worth of change we left empty-handed.

On a walk to the bus station my daughter decided we could give it one more try at a local country park. 2 buses later and we excitedly arrived at the gates, walked in and headed straight for the 4D cinema. A big sign states it is not suitable for anyone like me so rather sensibly I stayed out on a bench in the sunshine while my daughter ran inside. I’m sure a cinema full of people and me having a panic attack would not be a good combination so rather than push myself too much I kind of knew my limits. Then it was off to walk along a platform about 40 foot off the ground but safely anchored. This was more like it. Adventure,  a small bit of danger and more importantly fun all seemed to be coming to the surface and I enjoyed it. I took some time out to take some photos on my phone of the bluebells and gather some calming thoughts and then continued on with the afternoon of fun. A trip on a kids train ride (with my daughter I hasten to add) cemented the fun we had been having as it was 2 minutes of just pure happiness without a care in the world.

In summary I have therefore found the answer to my own happiness. It doesn’t involve anything fancy. There is no scientific equation needed involving various letters and symbols. In fact all my happiness needs is my family and the ability to act a bit daft every now and then. I am pretty good at acting daft at home where no-one can see me but now I am branching out into being daft in public. I am at an age where I no longer care what people think of me as I have all the love I need from my family and few close friends. It kind of feels like one of those inspirational quote things that goes along the lines of :

Dance like no-one’s watching
Sing Like no-one’s listening

And that is what I am trying to get behind every day. Some days I slip and the fear creeps back in, other days I can hold it at bay and have fun.

Let’s see what tomorrow may bring. Hopefully it’ll be fun again…………….