This week has been a mix of emotions for me. Mostly it has been good but this weekend has left me feeling a little flat. My heart is telling me that everything is ok and I am getting on really well and then my head is telling me not to listen to my heart as it talks nonsense. My head thinks that my heart only has one function and that is to keep me alive. My heart thinks my head has one function to contend with and that function is thinking. Neither of them have much concern for the other and when one of them gets out of hand the other will put up a fight to try to come out on top.
I have had my first full week back at work and it’s safe to say that it’s been going well. I have a little routine in place for getting up and ready in the morning and then each day I’ve been at work it’s been pretty steady with what I’ve been doing. I work in a cafe in a store here on the small island and am surrounded by some of the best workmates you could ever ask for. I wouldn’t be lying if I said half of us are on medication of one form or another but this is just one of the things that brings us all together. We’re one of those type of teams (although I’m quite a solitary soul in reality) where if one of us feels a bit off, the rest of the team rally round and close ranks to support the fallen soldier (maybe a little dramatic in description there but the sentiment is true). They have been there for me throughout my recent struggles with my mental health and were there again for me this last Friday. I like to think I can handle most things life throws at me but mental illness tends to cloud your vision sometimes. I had been on the till for over an hour and a bit when it died down and I signed off it. I was allowed to stop smiling at people I didn’t know which then allowed a wave of emotion to overwhelm me and I realised I was having a mini panic attack in the kitchen.
A colleague looked at me and said “Are you OK?”
“Not really” I replied while wrapping my hairband around my fingers
“Do you need a break?”
“I’m pretty sure I do. I’m just nipping upstairs for a minute”
My head had won. My heart was trying to tell me I’d be alright and that if I just continue to breathe and focus it would all go away. My head however decided it would have a bit of a fight and push me as far it could. I was cross with it for doing this and even more cross for the fact that I had allowed it to. I felt like I’d failed. All I had to do was ignore it and listen to my heart. I had one job. One job!!
However, once I had retreated to the safety of the offices upstairs my heart began to show itself again and calmed me down. It began to do its job and keep me alive. My breathing slowed, the fog lifted in my head and I returned downstairs.
The rest of the weekend has been uneventful in so much as I have coped with my latest wobbles. I am angry at myself for letting it happen in the first place but also proud of myself for getting myself out of it without any help from anyone but my heart.
I now have a day off tomorrow with my wife and daughter and the plan (weather permitting) is to go to a massive car boot sale, look for things we don’t need with money we don’t have, then maybe head to a beach or go for a little walk somewhere.
Whatever you all get up to, have a good one and make some memories.
Until next time…………………………