Recently I have seen a glimmer of the person I used to be. It hasn’t upset me or triggered me but it has made me realise that if I want to, I can get back to that person again. Maybe not exactly the same but I have figured out that there is room in my head for both anxiety and outgoingness (is that even a word?).
I am, by Winnie the Pooh’s own admission, a bear of very little brain but I am happy. I enjoy my own company and I am happiest when I am sitting on a riverside or a harbour just watching the daily grind pass me by without the constraints of work, social media or home life. I have an amazingly supportive family, somewhere to live and food to eat. But there is a part of me that would like to be a little bit more Tigger and a little less Eeyore and I am unsure how to get there without trailing around the whole of hundred acre wood.
In the last couple of weeks I have begun to get out more with my camera and watch the sunset. There are a couple of places on the small island that are fantastic for doing this as they give a completely unbroken view to the west with the added advantage of having a few bits of photogenic scenery thrown in to the pot for added artistic effect.
I won’t subject you to all of the pictures I took but there is one in particular that I am VERY proud of. I had been playing around with a neutral density filter on my lens to go for that ‘misty water’ effect where it looks like the movement stops and goes all blurred. I got a couple of pictures of waves breaking over stones and, after a small amount of editing, they have come out better than I expected. But these are not the ones I am proud of. That title belongs to the picture below:
It happened purely by accident as I forgot to take the filter off the lens. I had intended to get the boat going through the shimmer but when I realised I had left the filter on and then looked at the result on my camera I just thought “wow”. In a way I have used the picture as a way to remind me that there is beauty in darkness and loneliness. Although I may feel like I’m on my own sometimes I know there is always a light shining on me to lead me back to reality. The lights that shine on me are usually in the form of friends and family just being there to listen to me and provide me with shelter from stormy days. I’m usually very critical of my photography and often when people comment I find it hard to take compliments as I don’t know how to react to it. Various friends and family have told me I should sell it, put it on a canvas, print it up and frame it but to me that just feels like I’m showing off and that’s not me.
What it has led me to think about though is whether I should leave the filter on my life now as it could lead me to a completely view. I apply my own filter and take myself away from situations that may cause my anxiety to wake up but there have been times when I’ve forgotten to remove the filter, done the thing I’m scared of and actually ended up enjoying it. There are challenges every day for me to deal with but sometimes I wonder if by limiting my exposure to what is out there will I miss it all or am I content to accept that what I have is already amazing. The answer to that is that everything I have, I have worked hard for and I appreciate and respect it. Just because something is there it doesn’t mean I HAVE to go and seek it out just so I can say “I did it”. It takes a strong person to admit they are happy with what they have but I can honestly say that I am happy. I don’t want or need for much. Love and friendship mean more to me than money and ‘stuff’.
By accepting this I can navigate my way through the wood without running into a woozle or a heffalump
It also reminds me that the wonderful thing about tiggers is I’m the only one……………….