Well, it’s been one of those days for me today.

I reckon I must have had it coming because I had a chilled out day yesterday down the beach. It was the annual beach meet up of the anxiety cafe and we went to a lovely beach here on the small island. I took my camera too and even managed to get a little wander in to get some shots for the day. Finish that off with a trip to the pub in the afternoon (yes…the afternoon) and a big plate of nachos for tea and you could say that it was a pretty successful day off.

That means then that something has to go wrong now doesn’t it? I think it can be more commonly known as karma but whatever it is it decided to let me know it was coming to see me this morning. Not in a ‘would you like a cup of tea and a cake?’ type of visit but in a more ‘I’m going to make you worry about something you don’t need to worry about’ kind of way instead.

It started yesterday evening when we discovered that our daughter had some unwelcome visitors in her hair. This resulted in a trip to the shops for some treatment stuff that we could use this morning. That meant this morning that I had no chance to do my usual routine of tablets, tea, breakfast and relax and my head wasn’t set up for the day. The morning consisted of treating our daughter’s hair, throwing a bowl of cereal down my throat (not literally of course, that would just be messy), washing her hair, combing it, washing it again, combing it again, drying it, combing it and then finally putting it up in a ponytail. By that time my chamomile tea had gone cold, I’d been late taking my tablets and I still had to make my lunch and get ready for work.

All through the hair washing / combing etc…my daughter was asking if she would still be able to go on her girl guides trip at the weekend. This, in turn, raised another issue in to my already frazzled brain.

With my daughter and wife away on their girl guiding trip and our housemate away at his mum’s on the Friday it meant that I would be completely alone in the house on Friday night.

Yay (you might think)

However, in my head this led me to a bit of a dilemma. Since my illness decided to rear its ugly head in its full (not so glorious) form I have NEVER spent the whole night completely on my own. My wife has been on night shifts, our daughter has been away on holidays and our housemate has been at his mum’s house throughout this period but never all at the same time.

What if I don’t wake up in time for work?
What if I don’t sleep at all and am unable to function properly?
What if I have a panic attack and no-one is here to calm me down?
What if I forget to make my lunch?
What if something happens to them while they are away?
What if……..
What if……..
What if……..

But this is something I HAVE to be able to do. Once we have moved in to our new house there will no doubt be occasions when I will be on my own due to various reasons and I have to be able to cope on my own.

Enough was enough, I got dressed and ready for work and left the house. I was late leaving the house which meant my routine was still up in the air and then my time at work before I started my shift was less than usual. This allowed me no time to relax and by the time I made it to the sales floor I was a mess. That was the time when the tears decided to make an appearance. The trembling legs thought they’d join too (as if I needed them to) and I had to remove myself from the area before it got worse.

Enter, one understanding colleague from stage left.

She took me upstairs where I was able to get a cup of chamomile and just talk to her to get my thoughts out of my head. No judgment, no advice…….just being there for me.

And that is exactly what I needed.

The rest of the day went (almost exactly) as planned. I got on with my job. Colleagues who had noticed I wasn’t having a good day let me know they were thinking of me and offered support (without pushing for a reason why I felt bad).

By the time I went home I was feeling like a completely different person than the one who arrived at work in the morning. I had been reminded by my colleagues how far I have come and it is this that I am trying to hold on to. I have been reminded also today how far I still have to go but I know that it’s a journey I will continue to battle.

(sorry if this last paragraph all sounds a bit X-Factor)

Until the next time………………