Hello again everyone.
It’s been a while since I last wrote down anything here as, to be honest, I’ve not had much to say.
That’s not to say that I haven’t done stuff in my day-to-day life but (in my eyes at least) I don’t really think it’s been newsworthy.
I have recently finished my course on self-esteem and it has been an eye opener for me. While much of it has been familiar in the sense that it has informed me of what is happening inside my head there has been an element of it that made me deeply uncomfortable. I’m not going in to detail here about what was talked about (what happens in therapy, stays in therapy) but suffice to say it knocked me a little bit and it is only now that I am beginning to process the thoughts that have arisen from the sessions. A recurring theme has been the fact that I have ALWAYS been an anxious person. Right from childhood I have found it hard to make friends and I have been perfectly happy with my own company. However, during high school years this has become one of my rules for living and it has left me with a sense that I am never going to be good enough for anyone (including myself).
Through all of my adult years I have then found it hard to accept compliments from people as I have always felt there was an ulterior motive to their comments.
“Your hair looks good today” people might say to me.
My self-esteem would then make me think that I looked terrible the day before, or has never looked good. I would retreat in to a world of my own (and still do sometimes) until I felt able to accept myself again.
I am trying to change.
I have made a conscious decision to accept compliments for what they are. A compliment. No longer do I reply to a comment with a negative, instead I am trying to say thank you. It doesn’t sound that hard but in all fairness when you’ve spent a lifetime deflecting things away from you it is hard to just say those two words (and mean them). I have comments from customers at work on the look of my beard which is getting ever more bushy and instead of telling people I look like a homeless person sometimes, or like a grizzly bear I have said thank you and left the conversation at that. And guess what? It actually feels good.
Another thing I have begun to do is offer my doodles and ‘art’ for sale. I don’t consider myself an artist but I do consider myself to be creative. I must be if I can write random thoughts for strangers to read. Anyway, back to the art. I have discovered a ‘style’ that I enjoy trying to draw and I have shared some of my art on here previously. I have now taken it a stage further and begun customising vinyl figures. I put one up for sale over the weekend that I had done and to my astonishment a friend of mine approached me with a view to purchasing it. To think that someone appreciates my work that much has blown me away and I am a little humbled by it but as part of my new-found ‘thing’ of accepting compliments I have taken this as a huge positive. This has done wonders for my confidence and spurred me on to push my work out there a bit more.
I think that art is a very subjective thing and what one person loves, the next person might hate completely. I am under no illusion that some people might not like my art and that is fine with me. It doesn’t offend me in the slightest, it’s their choice.I can accept that I am never going to be perfect (honestly, who is though?) but I am now beginning to believe that I am becoming good enough for me and that is a massive achievement.
What I am going to keep doing though is more of it. I will flood my instagram with it and there will be no apologies for this as it is mine and I am genuinely proud of it.
If anyone is interested in a custom piece or just wants to see more of my stuff then feel free to look on my instagram (steviebabes1977) and contact me through there or through the ‘message me’ bit on my Facebook page
Until next time, look after yourselves and I’ll be in touch again soon