Before I start I must put forward a disclaimer that this blog is NOT about the glistening pop career of PJ & Duncan (or Ant & Dec as they’re now called).
Although it was actually quite a good career.
Tonight’s blog is about the battle between good and evil.
In the blue corner we have me. 40 plus years old and ‘x’ amount in weight.
In the red corner we have, weighing in at 10 tonnes, my self esteem.
Life in general at the moment is treating me ok. I’m getting used to my new job role and learning new things nearly every day. The thing that has brought about todays little piece of thinking is my place in society.
I’m not about to get all deep meaningful, instead I’m just trying to find a place where I ‘fit’.
This evening I went to a small art exhibition being held at a local coffee shop. The coffee shop is an awesome little place that is geared around comic books and alternative culture. The artwork on display was incredible and ranged from customised dolls, comic book fan art, canvasses, stickers and prints. I was really excited about going as I love looking at art, but I had also promised to introduce myself to one of the artists there who follows my work on Instagram (he goes by the name of ‘idolmind’ and his work his very cool). Anyway, I turned up and started looking round the works on display. The coffee shop is quite small so it was a little difficult not to bump into people but I began to feel uneasy.
I found the artist I had gone to see and introduced myself. He is an amazing guy and I found it quite easy to talk to him. We got chatting about each other’s work and what inspires us. Mental health came up into conversation and how it helps me to focus. He introduced me to his lovely wife and I showed her some photos of my work on my phone. She was highly complimentary and I could feel my self confidence was lifting as I was talking to them both. I even managed to get a possible invite to a future event if this one tonight proves to be popular. There was also talk of me and Idolmind (he does have a proper name but I don’t feel it right for me to give that out here) meeting up sometime to maybe have a chat about an art collaboration of some kind. Awesome!!
And then I had another look around.
It was at this point I began to feel like I was being watched. Being judged. Being talked about.
“What is he doing here?”
“He doesn’t belong here”
Why is he looking at that?
Why is he on his own?
Has he no friends?
Of course no one was ever actually thinking that or saying it. All of the questions that were going through my mind began to make me question my place in this. I started to think that I didn’t belong in the same room as these people. That I wasn’t good enough to talk to any of them. I had managed to turn a perfectly great evening into a disaster (in my head) all by myself by not believing in my own abilities. I started listening to my head and decided to leave. I made my excuses, said goodbye to my new found artist buddy and walked home quite despondent.
The walk home felt like it went on forever and I was chewing over the emotions of the evening all the time. I know I’m a good artist and I’m good at what I do. I know that others appreciate what I do.
So why don’t I believe myself?
I don’t feel I fit into the ‘traditional’ art scene of landscapes, seascapes and portraits. I don’t see myself as an alternative artist. I’m not bothered if I have thousands of ‘followers’ or ‘likes’ anymore because my drawing is my escape but it’s hard sometimes not to feel like I’m currently last in a competition.
So where does that leave me?
As soon as I work that bit out I’ll let you know.
I’m off to chill out, trawl through eBay for stuff I don’t need and then maybe have an early(ish) night.
Tomorrow is a new day so I will leave this one behind and wake up with a fresh head on. Well, as fresh as it can be at 6 o’clock in the morning.